So, in my one of my previous posts I mentioned this list I had made-the list where I really put into words my need to GET OUT. Yes-it will always be in caps. That’s how strong my need is. Now, don’t get me wrong, I do leave the house occasionally. I do chat with people on the phone and via Facebook and email…but it’s never uninterrupted, it’s almost always about generalities or stuff regarding the kids’ schedules.
It’s very rarely about, well, me.
And you know what? I am slowly coming to accept that thinking about ‘me’ is not a bad thing. I know that most of us moms have read somewhere that we will be better mothers, partners, people, blah, blah, blah, if we take some time for ourselves. (And yes, I am talking to my imaginary readers at this point). Easier said than done.
Here’s the thing, though. I haven’t been doing this and I could literally feel my shoulders fusing with my ears because I am so tense. I am snappy with my loved ones. I kept having this thought come into my head “I need to be doing something MORE”. Now, this is very different than the usual ‘more’ to do. I already know that there will always be more laundry, cleaning, refereeing, disciplining, and cooking to do. That’s always there-but what was also always there was this thought that I was losing a part of myself. That there were great whole sections of me that I hadn’t really looked at or thought about for a very long time. I wanted to do MORE with who I am.
Insight into my head (brace yourself): I like getting ideas. Ideas are full of possibility. Ideas haven’t been trashed by reality or budgets or real plans. I like BIG IDEAS. So when I thought about MORE, it wasn’t in a “start a journal/blog/writing letters to friends” way. It wasn’t in a “bake more bread for your friends, because baking makes you happy” way. Nope. It was in a “START A WHOLE NEW MAIL ORDER BAKING BUSINESS-NO WAIT-LOCAL BREAD BUSINESS-NO WAIT-YOU NEED A LOGO-BUY A WEBSITE-GET CARDS-GET DISCOURAGED BECAUSE IT WASN’T ALL DONE YESTERDAY!! AHHHHH!!!” type of way.
So I was back at square one, discouraged. And then, late one night, I made the list. The big realization of the list was that I needed to GET OUT. I have started running again, but I realized that running twice a week for a few miles wasn’t enough-I needed to just get out of the house, be BY MYSELF almost everyday-even if just for 15 minutes. I needed to GET OUT of my head and write something down- to vent, to share, to laugh.
I needed to talk to Grown Ups. As of right now I’m just talking to myself-and that’s OK for now. Hopefully, sometime soon, other people who need to GET OUT will join in my conversation. But, for now, talking to myself as Grown Up is good enough.